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-- * how to have sex with a survivor * --


    1. don’t expect it of us. like, this is a given, absolutely, but between partners with varying experiences and sex drives… this has been a constant struggle for me in relationships. every person i’ve been in a relationship with could never fully reconcile that sex and a relationship were not inherently tied. our relationship did not give them a pass to intimacy. my lack of desire for intimacy for stretches of time would, to them, signify a failed relationship. that impression on their part in turn made me feel like a failure. that fucks up relationships. that fucked me up. whether or not you are a survivor, sex should never be expected of you. ever. and someone who believes they deserve that from you under any circumstances is a piece of shit.
    2. on that note, don’t plan sex. partners of mine have often tried to be seductive in saying things like, “i can’t wait to do this to you later tonight…” but, to me, that simply meant that it became an obligation for me. that made sex an obligation. and, therefore, it made sex undesirable. i would feel this pressure to perform for them rather than to engage in sex for my own pleasure and it became this thing where i would attempt to start for them but i could never fully commit because i felt pressured. not to say this is what my partner was intending. at all. but it affected me negatively.
    3. don’t make our kinks about our sexual trauma. yeah, me, personally? i really like being choked. a lot. but don’t ruin the pleasure of that by tying it into my trauma. is it your place to figure out the source of my kinks or is it your role as my partner to realize pleasure with me? we both know the answer to that. don’t “figure out” how your partner has been affected by their sexual trauma. what does your curiosity have to gain except for the make your partner feel dissected? partners have done that to me, and all it did was make me feel like personality was compartmentalized into pre- and post-rape.
    4. validate us outside of our sex life. i have long felt that my worth is perceived by others as purely sexual, and this was horribly exacerbated by my assault. while i love feeling desired by my partners, if that is heavily emphasized over the other aspects of our relationship, i will withdraw. i will resent them for seeing my purely in that light, and i will often be triggered. even when having casual sex, or sex in any capacity without a committed relationship, respect is key. making me feel like a whole, full human rather than only your sex partner is vital to my comfort and feeling of safety.
    5. use a safe word. it can be as simple as “wait.” it doesn’t matter what the word is. its function is purely to remind us that we hold power over our sexual interactions and it will always stop if we want or need it to. when i begin the spiral and feel like sex is becoming less mine and purely yours, having a word to center us and bring us back together and to affirm my own control makes a world of difference.

    *i have received asks about this in the past, and felt it made sense to share a general post to address some issues i have answered asks on. this does not mean that my issues are the issues of all survivors, or that non-survivors can’t share these issues with me. these are things that i have experienced and i have come to this understanding of them.

(Source: petitsirena)


Has your state banned sodomy? In Massachusetts, we enjoy it.

This map is from 2011, but I have had trouble finding if there has been any change in it. Lawrence v Texas invalidated these laws, but many states still have it on the books.

(Also, a strict definition is not just anal sex. It can be defined as any sex that is not penis + vagina = babies within wedlock.)

I think Romney is 100% anti-gay. I don’t make a distinction between an honest bigot and a dishonest bigot. … My dad always reassures me that Republican politicians like George Bush, and now Mitt Romney, don’t really hate gay people. And I always tell him that whether someone punches you in the nose because they really hate you or they punch you in the nose because they want to impress people who hate you, you still have a broken god damn nose.

Dan Savage on Mitt Romney, in response to John Fugelsang asking him, “Is Mitt Romney really anti-gay, or just 47% anti-gay?”

Watch the full video here

(via current)

OMG, ALL of this! It applies to every group. 

(via foulmouthedliberty)


Irrefutable statistics from the CDC. Courtesy of Get Yourself Tested.


Finding what you love in life is what it’s all about. GYT wants you to embrace whatever drives you — maybe it’s music, sports, design, dance or writing — and use it for motivation to keep yourself healthy.

Part of knowing yourself and carving your own path in life is knowing your status. STDs are really common — 1 in 2 sexually active people will get an STD by the age of 25 — but most young people with an STD don’t even know they have it.

The real deal on STDs and testing is simple. If you have sex, use protection. Each and every time. Condoms are the only method that can help prevent STD infection so learn more about how to use them.

And if you decide to have sex, GYT — Get Yourself Tested. A lot of STDs don’t have any symptoms so getting tested is the only way to know for sure.

The good news is that ALL STDs are treatable and many are curable. But if you leave an STD untreated it’s easier to spread to others and there could be more serious health consequences down the road. You don’t have time to deal with that, you’ve got things to do! So Get Yourself Tested and find a testing center today.

You probably have a lot of questions about STDs and what to expect during an STD test and you can find answers here. Don’t forget, you have to ASK your doctor or nurse to be tested for STDs.

Open communication about STDs is crucial in any relationship, so TALK to your boyfriend/girlfriend/friends about getting tested. Starting this conversation might seem a little awkward, so GYT has tips on how to bring it up and what to say.

And if you do have an STD, take control and get treated. STDs don’t define you or what you can do in life. They are really common, but sometimes you can feel alone with an STD diagnosis. You’re not — find someone you trust, like a friend, parent or doctor to talk it out.

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